to remember 60 or 2 years from now

I've had an interesting week speaking with older women who have divorced and here are the lessons I've gleaned from those conversations:

-dont confuse pity for love
-pay attention to the red flags
-listen to your initial gut feeling about the person
-talk about money explicitly, no assumptions
-watch the actions, don't listen to words

My own lessons thus far:

-talk about anger, watch how he handles it
-communication, how are emotions discussed (or lack of)
-do we want the same things

Relationships are hard. All relationships, not just romantic ones. Hopefully the more I focus on the making the difficult relationships in my life better, the easier other ones will come. I'm in a place where I'm really trying to work on issues. I've seen a lot of denial and I'm choosing to deal instead of deny or run away, which is my go to.

coda

I do need to focus more on me. I put too much of myself into relationships. I'm constantly the pursuer. I learned it from my mom. I need to learn how to be a distancer, but not in a way that's angry but rather in a way that is speaking up for my needs.

God I give you my love life. I turn it over to you. I feel like I keep taking it back and not trusting you.

Focus on self. That's hard and not pretty. Obviously easier to focus on others, its what I grew up doing.

anxiety

I feel like I'm going to throw up. Over and over and over again. God why do I have this immense weight on me? You are in control, my life is in your hands. Maybe I'm not ready. this is my body's physical response to being home. My body's physical response to dealing with me mom. Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill? What is really bothering me?

moment

I just need to record this day in history. I got a phone call today from my old co-worker stating that he always liked me and that I was a such a firecracker. Second, I get an email from a guy I dated saying hey that he hasn't forgotten me. Third, I had a new guy flat out ask me out.

Crazy!

outta control!

that's how I feel about life right now. I think I should get a prize for master procrastinator. If only these grad school applications would write themselves.

Life before procrastination methods was so much simpler. You just did your work. The average person ends up spending 7 years of their life span on facebook. I could just delete again but then I probably would be back to pinterest.

Blech. What a boring weekend. Lots of Parenthood. That's about all I have to say for myself.

life overload

starting my own consulting practice. researching and applying for grad schools. creating collaborative tech group for human rights in congo. I don't have much on my plate.

God I feel so overwhelemd and powerless right now. So much seems out of control and I need your peace. I thank you that you are in control. You have the power. you are my provider. I'm stepping out in faith with my business. I'm ditching my plan B of applying for jobs and waiting tables. I'm trusting you the dream giver. There will be giants. There will be obstacles. I will keep moving forward in faith. For 1 year I will give this my all, or however long/short you want me to do this for. I'm keeping all doors open.

In the wind and the rain. Be my calm. I feel like I'm trying to sort through so much emotionally, romantically, career wise. One of those weeks where I feel everything at once. It's all going to be ok. I think because the future is so unknown that my control issues are acting up. Having so much uncertainty is a challenge for me. Lord I know I will draw closer to you through this season of trust. I'm excited but scared at the same time. I just need to have faith that you will provide. I don't need to stress. Just take care of me and focus on me. It's all good.

keeping it moving

Its weird to be in a place where my feathers are so ruffled that I want to physically lash out. I don't think I've felt this much anger since I was a kid being picked on by my older brother. God help me to receive your peace in this situation. I choose you. I release the crazy to you. I place my living situation entirely in your hands. I am powerless over this situation. I am powerless over my thoughts, mental obsessions, and letting others take space in my brain. You have the power to heal me from this spin cycle. Release release release. Breath breath breath. God is in control God is in control. Let go let god. Let god let go. I forgive forgive forgive. I choose peace peace peace.

frustration

Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? I continually walk the line of questioning whether to speak up or just let it go. The problem is I tend to gather resentments like some people gather hobbies. I also want to utilize how important is it. I need to let more roll off my back. The issue isn't the actual issue - it's what it represents. A lack of respect, awareness of others, and general not listening.

Do I listen to others? Do I listen the way they need to be listened to? I may hear but maybe I don't listen. Lord remove my indecision and hardness in my heart. Help me to be quick to forgive, 70 times 70. Grant me your grace to lavish on those around me. Help me to abundantly feel your love and experience your faithfulness.

I dedicate my business to you. God my life, my bills, my health, my relationships are in your hands. You are in control. Take the steering wheel of my life and I'll sit back and enjoy the ride.

daysend

descend. end. moving to a new stage.
legos. building. what will the door design be. where will it lead
frustration and anger. all good things to come. release the old to make room for the new.
love. live. laugh. don't breathe without it.

hope

what does it mean to have hope? what does it look like? what does it feel like?

I feel as if we go through constant pits in life - like Daniel in the lions den. Reaching up to our father to pull us out. Show us the way to deliverance. I think its ok to be in the lion pit. Face our fear and realize its only love disguised.

God I pray you would help me find comfort and strength in the pits of life. Help me to know you are in the face of the lion. Your beauty abounds. May my focus be on you and your strength.