pivotal moments

I look back on my life and I realize there are moments when the puzzle pieces came together. Maybe I didn't see the bigger picture but I knew what the next step should be. Leaps of faith, moments of indecision, and periods of waiting. Now - I'm in another forming/building stage. As IDEX's founder so boldly put it: learning the outside lessons to bring them back to what matters. He shared that even though he stepped away from ID after peace corps, he was able to bring back to it what he had gained from the corporate world and that my his experience stronger. It was great to have a perspective that shattered my isolation in my career path. I feel like such an outsider sometimes with my random jaunts. I trust that God will use each colorful path/period to weave together something significant. The fabric of my life (no, not cotton). As Julian put it - being on the cusp of something great. Feeling it but not knowing what it is. Knowing you are positioned in your life, on top of the wave ready to ride it out. However, I give 100% glory to God even if I did 50% of the work haha. I only did the work through his strength and grace.

I have to hold onto my joy during times of difficulty. I look back on how much complaining there is on what we don't have or how our finances determine our state of mind. It really doesn't matter. Much easier to say now that I'm employed. Even during the last two week gap (yes, I had my melt downs) I knew deep down that God had it all under control. No matter what is happening, he is in the driver seat of my life - not me. That is a choice I have to make daily, sometimes minute to minute. It goes against my flesh to surrender but to do so magnifies the spirit.

kalediscope

managing all of the moving pieces. Stretch just a little more to fit everything in. Strive for the dream but live in reality. Pick up the pieces and put them back together. Push through the pain to get to the other side.

I'm so glad I don't teach anymore. That was recently brought to my attention. I have a truly blessed life. I don't go hungry or cold at night. I have a healthy, loving family and friends. Yet sometimes I still feel incomplete. I've been spouting off a lot about being used right where you are instead of constantly striving for where you want to be. Working towards the end goal isn't a bad thing, only if its keeping you from enjoying what's in the foreground.

I think lately I've been losing my motivation for the end goal. I know I have to keep it on the back burner but when there is so much on the front burner whats on the back tends to lose its boil. Its like I don't even want to return emails. I know the motivation comes and goes but I guess its tough because I'm all over the place right now. I probably just need more time, otherwise I would have arrived there already.

dealing

life is unexpected. it throw lots of curveballs. often, things don't go my way and I'm frustrated with situations out of my control. I'm trying to get back to a place of surrender and peace. Knowing that God's way and truth are what makes me whole.

I'm finding that I often deal with my issues by creating more issues or a distraction. I know its not healthy but me checking out is a coping mechanism I've developed. I didn't get to it overnight and I know I will deal with it, slowly. Giving myself lag room is important. Being 25 is important. Making mistakes is a natural part of the process. I don't have to over think or analyze - just enjoy. I have to recognize how certain situations and relationships affect me. Usually cause me to do something to forget the pain. I get bored and that's when I do something stupid. I'm working towards loving me and giving myself increments in which to let loose. Reaching out is a tool I need to use more of too. I will get back to liking me and accepting what is. Making the most of what I've been given and asking what can I give back.