first rains

I love the first rain of the season. The crispness to the air. The freshness of the streets. The hydration to the trees. I'm SO excited about my map that Andrea and Dave gave me for my birthday! It is beautiful and I will treasure it.

Abbey gave me the best card. it has glittery girly shoes on it! She is SO dear to me. I'm so tickled that God has woven our lives together.

Sadness, joy, everything.

Sommers wedding. A beautiful life moment.

God grant me true rest in you. Give me your peace. I surrender. It's in your hands. Let go, let more of you. Rise to the next level. More beautiful people will come in and some will go. That's ok.

Ramblings

Thoughts....weddings, sadness, divorce, mixed emotions.

I give it all to you lord. Take my life, let it be.

Patience

One of my fave verses Phillipians 4:4 weaves itself through my life. My roommate was talking about something that was bothering her and I asked her if she wanted to pray about it. I instantly felt better about my own troubles even though I was interceding for her! It was like a weight was lifted off my heart and literally off my shoulders. I relaxed a bit and was reminded that 1) don't worry about it 2) God will handle it. That applies to everything!

I know the economy is bad but this is ridiculous. Honor roll bright girl getting electricians jobs. I really should be in a better spot. But then I remember to not "should" on myself and rejoice the many blessings God has in my life instead of focusing on the negative which is so easy to do.

Lord I give you my job. I know you are going to keep me there until I learn the lesson. If its patience, I get it. I'm working on it and I trust you to take me to a new level in it. I pray that I would remain a joyous, peaceful presence in the environment you've placed me in. At the end of the day its just a job, its not what you created me for. I was created to worship you and soak in your presence and delight in your character. Help me to focus on that. Help me to stay grounded in you and in your principles and justice. Lord, I surrender. You are the focal point of my life, my navigator. I give you every aspect of my personal and professional life. Make it glorifying for your kingdom.

positive energy fields

I'm reading this book that my dad gave me that is making me focus on my positive energy field and not letting anything contaminate it. The more positive energy I put out the more positive blessings that will abound.

I've got to detach and let go. It isn't personal. God I pray that you would place me in an work environment that is supportive and not attacking. Help me to remember it isn't about me and to just focus on keeping my side of the street clean. Its in your hands.

I need to focus. I keep on drifting. Going from one crisis to the next. I just wish I had more motivation for the LSAT. 

sommer sunshine

what a blessing to have her here! Such fun. That is what I have to focus on. As Chanel says, chin up! Good things to come.

Today was better at work. Mostly because I went to my "friend". She gave me some perspective. Focus on my work and focus on me. The rest will come. I am a beautiful person. I accept myself and those in my surrondings. I need to hold myself to a higher standard. Watch myself and my tongue.

God remove the character defect I have at work as coming off as condescending. Whatever is on my side of the street please clean it. I let go and I let you work. clean me like I clean the mold in my bathroom!

be nice. have compassion. show grace. god I ask you reflect these things in my character. i want to know yo more. I want to grasp your grace. I want your beauty reflected in my eyes.

my orange tangerine

I'm reading this great book that is changing my perspective. What can life be like if I truly open my eyes and imagine?

I'm soooo debating on whether to put 1800 on my credit card to go to Kenya for Christmas. Can I afford it, can I pull it off, is it safe. The questions never end. My analytical brain needs a rest.

drain mucus drain. I thought getting out of public schools would eliminate my constant sickness. Nope, stress kills my immune system. I am excited to find a way in which to live with black mold. Today I attacked my bathroom - mold 0, Christy 10. I will win this battle.

I have to keep my eyes alive. Open to new possibilities. And i need to focus. Catch one train track thought at a time. Remember to breath. Remember to think.

Goal this week - be positive! smile! simple things that I tend to forget. Seize each moment. Each bite of food. Each visual intake of the world around me. It will go by too quick. You don't know if you don't go!

Let peace flow like a river through me. 

Let go

All my hopes dreams. I desire....I need to desire just you. Give me strength to resist temptation. Help me to see myself as you see me. Too often I allow jerks in my life. I give them my power. I deserve better. I deserve respect and compassion. I'm a giving person and I deserve someone who gives. Takers drain. And then there is nothing left for me. Help me to value me as you treasure my heart and giftings. You see the beauty in me and the heart you've given me.

Mercies anew

How is it that in my own selfishness I miss the bigger picture? I can't seem to sit still long enough for the purpose to be revealed.

I want my life to mean more. More purpose. More love. More understanding.

When I am lost on direction then I need to go back to basics. Back to square one. Remember that I am first gods child and my identity is in Christ.

awareness

Sometimes I wonder how much we all live in denial. I've been re-watching Finding Nemo over and over, something about it just puts me to sleep and eases my mind. I can't get the scene out of my head when he ends up at a shark "fish are friends not food" 12 step group. This movie got tons of replay while I was babysitting in highschool....could be why I keep going back to it....wanting to relive my teenage self.

Grief. It passes through you like all emotions due. I'm so thankful for the rain. Pouring on my hand as I drive through SF. When it rained in FL it was such a relief. Relief from the smoldering heat on my shoulders.

Cello boy. Will he be a boy or a man? That is still TBD. Relationships have been quizzing me lately. So intense. We need each other: friends, family, co-workers. As my good college friend KD put it: I don't live in this world alone, there will be other tourists in my pictures. HA!

Irish. Blah. All it does is rain there. Poetic? I think not. Lesson of the day, don't follow the picker. Run the other way!

I got to help an elderly lady on sunday in the grocery store. It made my heart bloom with joy to be able to serve another in a simple small way. I always loved having the grocers help my mom out the store with her basket at Publix. Self-serve cashiers are so cold in comparison.

Sleep....it calls to me. My body eventually will listen. My peace is with Christ. I have to stay in that state of mind. Stop, drop, and roll everything else. Off the mountain into the ocean, whoosh.

Why do we want relationships so much? My coworker was going on about wanting a boy friend. We put so much emphasis (us girls) on our love lives. I know how much energy and tears I've wasted. Well, I'm done. My focus is on my calling and the lover of my soul.

At the end of the day, every day, I remind myself that regardless life is good. I don't have to worry, I can live in peace. I don't have to fret, I can remain in joy. The blessings in my life are beautiful and abundant. God's love surrounds me in every stage and every season. I am beautiful and complete in his eyes. I just need his own eyes to see me and my surroundings. I am where my feet are!

pivotal moments

I look back on my life and I realize there are moments when the puzzle pieces came together. Maybe I didn't see the bigger picture but I knew what the next step should be. Leaps of faith, moments of indecision, and periods of waiting. Now - I'm in another forming/building stage. As IDEX's founder so boldly put it: learning the outside lessons to bring them back to what matters. He shared that even though he stepped away from ID after peace corps, he was able to bring back to it what he had gained from the corporate world and that my his experience stronger. It was great to have a perspective that shattered my isolation in my career path. I feel like such an outsider sometimes with my random jaunts. I trust that God will use each colorful path/period to weave together something significant. The fabric of my life (no, not cotton). As Julian put it - being on the cusp of something great. Feeling it but not knowing what it is. Knowing you are positioned in your life, on top of the wave ready to ride it out. However, I give 100% glory to God even if I did 50% of the work haha. I only did the work through his strength and grace.

I have to hold onto my joy during times of difficulty. I look back on how much complaining there is on what we don't have or how our finances determine our state of mind. It really doesn't matter. Much easier to say now that I'm employed. Even during the last two week gap (yes, I had my melt downs) I knew deep down that God had it all under control. No matter what is happening, he is in the driver seat of my life - not me. That is a choice I have to make daily, sometimes minute to minute. It goes against my flesh to surrender but to do so magnifies the spirit.

kalediscope

managing all of the moving pieces. Stretch just a little more to fit everything in. Strive for the dream but live in reality. Pick up the pieces and put them back together. Push through the pain to get to the other side.

I'm so glad I don't teach anymore. That was recently brought to my attention. I have a truly blessed life. I don't go hungry or cold at night. I have a healthy, loving family and friends. Yet sometimes I still feel incomplete. I've been spouting off a lot about being used right where you are instead of constantly striving for where you want to be. Working towards the end goal isn't a bad thing, only if its keeping you from enjoying what's in the foreground.

I think lately I've been losing my motivation for the end goal. I know I have to keep it on the back burner but when there is so much on the front burner whats on the back tends to lose its boil. Its like I don't even want to return emails. I know the motivation comes and goes but I guess its tough because I'm all over the place right now. I probably just need more time, otherwise I would have arrived there already.

dealing

life is unexpected. it throw lots of curveballs. often, things don't go my way and I'm frustrated with situations out of my control. I'm trying to get back to a place of surrender and peace. Knowing that God's way and truth are what makes me whole.

I'm finding that I often deal with my issues by creating more issues or a distraction. I know its not healthy but me checking out is a coping mechanism I've developed. I didn't get to it overnight and I know I will deal with it, slowly. Giving myself lag room is important. Being 25 is important. Making mistakes is a natural part of the process. I don't have to over think or analyze - just enjoy. I have to recognize how certain situations and relationships affect me. Usually cause me to do something to forget the pain. I get bored and that's when I do something stupid. I'm working towards loving me and giving myself increments in which to let loose. Reaching out is a tool I need to use more of too. I will get back to liking me and accepting what is. Making the most of what I've been given and asking what can I give back.

go round and round

mistakes are inevitable. my lesson now is how to take them gracefully and not beat myself up. Enjoy my human-ness. Take in what God has given me and seize the beauty of each day.

after searching for two years and doing whatever it takes to pay bills I'm finally employed perm. I pray that I may never take my job/income for granted and recognize each opportunity as an avenue for growth and self-reflection. As I give to the world, I will continue to be blessed. Boundaries are important to remember because I will give too much sometimes.

Lord, protect me. Make me an instrument of your peace. Help me to see others and myself with your love and grace. May each night be spent in your safe, trusting arms and every day refreshed with your joy and spirit.

Who am I? The eternal question of self. I have multiple roles and foundations of character. I have avenues of passion: africa, beach, human rights, social justice, peace. Being creative is important - dance, yoga, painting/sculpting. Being textile and touch. Singing and music. Helping. Problem solving. Family. Friends. Community. Taking each moment and appreciating it for what it is. Enjoying every three hours #anthonydemello

forgiveness

letting go of what was or could be. I'm learning I need to have zero expectations and therefore zero disappointments. When I was in China one of the teachers shared that during her training the theme was "high adventure, low expectation". What a good life theme.

I have to reflect and focus on the good. I was listening to an NPR show earlier today and the program was focusing on prophets and how the key word was disruption. We crave for stability and the security that our materialism promises us. A life with God is just the opposite and the world is constantly changing. I'm trying to embrace the change and instability in my life and cling to God who is true and constant. I've put so much focus this week on my material needs when I always used to tell myself how insignificant money is as its just a piece of paper. Yet as a society we place so much importance on it. Class status can be defining in that it can enlarge or enclose your educational opportunities and access to medical care and basic needs.

I'm looking forward to the Stanford Africa Forum (http://saf.stanford.edu/) on Saturday. Getting back to my passion motivates me forward. Although it can seem slim at times I have to keep holding on to the fire that God has put in my heart. He has designed my desires for a very specific purpose. I need to keep that hope alive.

perspective

sometimes you just have to get everything out of your head in order to see straight. Its like all the stuff in there creates a fog that prevents me from seeing clearly. When it stays in my head it stews, like crazy stew, but when I get it out I realize its usually a bunch of junk.

The economy isn't safe and how do I react? Out of fear. I go back and wish I had negotiated, stood up for myself. I wasn't thinking clearly because I was thinking in fear. I claim faith and trust as pillars of my life but how often do I act on them. It's more about talking the talk instead of walking the walk. I have examples of God's faithfulness but every time a challenge is posed it's like I'm back at square one. I guess that's the human condition of forgetfulness that we are all equipped with. I wish I had a new manual.

I pick at every aspect of my life and I'm not satisfied. I get into these places of looking at my life and not hitting my own standards. I know I'm my worst critic and I need to just take life on life's terms. Sometimes I feel like a 3 year old because things aren't going my way. Me, me, me. And I blame other people for being selfish.

It was nice to be validated tonight. I have to take stock and take satisfaction in that. Listen and apply my own words of wisdom. Live in the light, love, and peace. Seize the blessings I have and laugh a little. My circumstances will never be enough. I need to let them go.

important

gotta remember this:

I am finally exactly where I wanted to be all along, the second I stopped trying to get there

waiting

I feel like the jeopardy theme song is playing constantly. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Waiting for the next weekend, waiting for the next offer. Waiting for the semester to be over. Waiting for winter to end.

Did you enjoy the last three hours of your life? If we are in a constant state of waiting that might be tough. I have.

This is a post of random thoughts. The next one being procrastination. I have so many things on the to-do list but no energy to do any of them. I just want to watch a movie haha. It's like I've been through system overload and just want to zone out.

finding the right words

reflection is tough. looking at yourself and taking responsibility for my part can be a hard pill to swallow. because then you have to change right? And that's the hard part.

I'm really grateful for the wonderful relationships in my life. Too often it's easier to focus on the negativity but it's important to claim the greatest relationship which is with Christ. Focusing on him puts everything else into perspective. Minimize me and amplify Him. I have to constantly remind myself it's not about me.

I thank you God that you are going to provide in your perfect way. Although I don't understand these last two years of up and down, employment and unemployment I know I have to keep clinging to you. You make sense.  

grief

what is this feeling? why do females get hung up on it more then males? I just feel like as a girl I "feel" more in general. Sometimes its like the ocean roaring and I wonder if I will get swallowed up.


Thank goodness for Monday night beach run. I just feel as if I get to hit my internal reset button and reconnect with you God.

I've been thinking a lot about relationships and how we interact with people. I'm in the interview process of doing a recruiter job and I think I would be really good at it. Citizen schools is also in process and they are a really interesting organization. Lord I place my job search in your hands and trust that you will bring the next right thing. I thank you for your continued provision and guidance in my life. I pray that I may be faithful and disciplined in all that you put on my plate. I pray that I would be faithful in the small things and enjoy the blessings you have placed on my path.